Catching Up - An Important part of the Grief Process

Dr. Donna J Mann

Grief is a journey and like most journeys we encounter some irregular terrain. Our footing can be unsure at times when the ground is uneven, unpredictable or uncertain. We might trip and fall, we might stub our toe, we might fail to read the road signs and enter into consequences of our grief that reap havoc with our identity.

As many of you, I have had school friends who have died of cancer, in tragic accidents and other circumstances. Looking through photo albums often remind us of just how many of our friends have died. No longer can we pick up the phone and talk; nor can we send of a letter of happenings to them. When I look through my "Important Dates" binder, I have many names crossed out: names that bring beloved faces and happy memories to mind.

In this journey of grief, we are often surprised by pleasant turns in the road to offer scenery that capture the beauty of the moment. I had an experience such as this over Christmas. A small red box with a tiny note tied to the ribbon says "Don't open me, I am filled with love" sits on my bookshelf in full view. A best friend gave it to me one Christmas about twenty years ago. She died in 1992. Since then her daughter moved away, her mother (another close friend) died and I went on with my life.

However that small red box continued to remind me of a once cherished love and perhaps some unfinished business.  After many attempts to find my friend's daughter, I finally got the phone number and called her. During the conversation, I was comforted through her laugh and in her stories.

"Two children? Shirley would have had grandchildren."

"A decorated table at Christmas such as that? Your mom would have loved those colours." 

"You're doing what? She'd be in there with you like Jack the Bear!"

Tears, laughter, memories  healing, therapeutic and yes maybe some closure for us both.

That one contact held a time of healing: long overdue - and soon to be repeated.